Being Bipolar Is A Bitch (But Not As Bad It Could Be)
4 min readEver feel like your emotions are one huge roller-coaster? Everyone has of course, but when this becomes a way of life, this is what we call Bipolar, or as the old school would say, manic depressive. I am bipolar. I know all the jokes such as “does this mean you like women and men?” My response is “if there’s a billion dollars in it, you bet your sweet ass I do!” It’s amazing how people react when you tell them. Some people are nonchalant about the news. Others view you as someone strange, as if you’ve told them you are a gay alien and you want to abduct their husband and children.
The bipolar condition is due to an imbalance of chemicals in the brain. This may have had an evolutionary advantage to some extent if you believe that sort of thing, but try telling this to the ones who love the afflicted party. For them, it’s like living with a time bomb without knowing when the timer is set to go off. Many bipolar people swing mercurially from euphoria, which is called the manic side, to the pits of hell, the depressive side.
Myself, I do not have a huge problem with the manic side as I do the depressive. I find I exhibit the depressive lows common with this disorder. Having tried suicide as early as seven years old, and then at least three other times, I have seen the gates of hell on occasion. I can get in a funk and stay there for weeks if I’m not taking care of myself.
Another issue is that I tend to worry to the point of obsession. I just can’t let go of something I am worrying about. It consumes me. My brain is hyper-efficient at going to the worst possible scenario. It’s like a motor spinning from top speed to out of control. I have literally worn paths into carpet due to worry. I’ve worried about losing my job because I bumped into a supervisor before at work.
I also have a hair-trigger temper. What’s worse is that I am a big guy and I can lift more than I weigh. My temper has caused me to issue numerous apologies for my swift and severe verbal assaults. I’ve scared my loved ones by just the look on my face, and I can’t tell you how that has broken my heart to know I’ve scared my kids and not meant to do so. To make matters worse, I work in a professional environment where it is corporate policy not to show any personality, so it’s a miracle I’ve been able to keep my job. I’ve nearly been fired a few times for outbursts.
How do I manage day to day? First of all, I have to be aware how I’m feeling. I have to notice if I’m getting sleep, and how much. Too little or too much can affect my moods. I need to make sure I eat good foods. If I feel mad or scared, I need to talk it out with someone, and make sure I talk myself down from situations when I feel rage or fear. I take medicine as well. Currently I am on Effexor as my antidepressant and Zyprexa as my mood stabilizer.
Good old Zyprexa. It is quite effective in controlling my mood swings, but it has some other negative side effects. I have to get my blood tested to check my cholesterol and triglycerides, and I’m afraid of needles! My cholesterol is a bit high, but I have a condition called hyperlipidemia, which means my body is more efficient at storing fat. I have put on thirty pounds since I’ve started taking my medication and have went up two pant sizes. Between the Zyprexa and the Effexor I get dry mouth. The last complaint I have is that I’m sleepy. Remember Prince Valium in Spaceballs? That’s me, and my family doesn’t appreciate it one bit.
What’s my advice to those who suffer with this condition or think they may have it? Talk with someone, preferably a doctor. They can refer you onto a mental health professional for appropriate evaluation. Take your medicine, and make sure you keep your appointments with your therapist. There are times you don’t feel like talking, but those are the times you absolutely need to talk! Make sure you have a couple of trusted friends that you can talk about some really heavy, yucky stuff with. It helps your mind work differently just by talking the problem out with a confidant. Get plenty of exercise, and again, make sure you do exercise when you don’t feel like it. Exercise seems to help me stay on an even keel.
One last thing I need to say is that this is a medical condition like diabetes. You shouldn’t have to be ashamed of being bipolar any more than you should be from being a diabetic. God may promise a sound mind to His children, but some of us have to work at that a bit harder than others.
