In Response To Tom Cruise

We live in a country where society places too much pressure on us to achieve. Competition almost bombards us from birth. “My grandchildren are cuter than yours.” “My child is an honor roll student.” “My child can beat up your honor roll student.” These are just some of the pervasive ideas that have invaded our social consciousness and these are just the ones taken from our bumper sticker lexicon. Admittedly, on the surface these sayings seem rather benign. After all, some of us wear these badges with pride. And the potential that they were intended to foster is fundamentally good. The potential hope that is voiced is that someday our children will live better lives than we have. They will get better jobs. They will make more money. Isn’t that what our parents wanted for us? Isn’t that what we want for our children? But, in that pursuit of a better life, we seldom talk about the potential destructive nature that a competitive society must also face – issues with our mental health.

The ER

On August 8th 2003, I was lying on a gurney in the emergency room. My face was covered by an oxygen mask. I was connected to an EKG machine and was watching my erratic heart race at 150 beats per minute out of the corner of my eye on the display. I was anxiously waiting for God to take me home. I was certain that I was going to die. After all, one minute I was reading a book in the comforts of my bedroom with my wife by my side and the next I was holding my chest in a panic telling my wife that she needed to get the car because something was terribly wrong. Something was terribly wrong. Needless to say, despite my own fears of dying, leaving my friends and family without the benefit of being able to make amends or even to say goodbye terrified me more than my crazy circumstances. My biggest fear, at that moment, was leaving this world with a life that was not yet finished. It took me the better part of the following year to understand why things had happened that evening the way they did even though it was pretty clear by the end of the evening what had happened. I had suffered a panic attack and would soon be suffering from generalized anxiety disorder [1].

Some Stats About Anxiety And Panic Disorder (And My Thoughts on the Matter)

Panic disorder affects 2.4 million adults in the U.S. and can be coupled with a generalized anxiety disorder, which affects 19 million Americans. And, while it’s not clear what definitively causes these disorders, it’s pretty clear that many of these disorders are caused by a combination of factors, including changes in the brain and environmental stresses [2]. In my case there were many things that led up to my panic attacks, which I continued to suffer almost on a daily basis for several months until it was finally treated and controlled with medication. I must admit that I was not happy with the idea of being put on medication for mental health issues. I wanted to believe that I was in perfect mental health. Besides, the last thing I needed was to be connected to people that I considered crazy. I certainly didn’t want to think that we were being treated with the same meds or face the possibility that I was crazy too. But, without the medication, I would lay in the fetal position watching late night tele-evangelists or infomercial pitchmen thinking that I was going to die. And that was no way to live.

What Was My Problem?

So what happened? There were probably several factors that contributed to my mental breakdown. I had just finished my first feature length movie (which was a huge financial burden of more than $20,000 out of my pocket). Because so much was invested in this movie, for a time I was living breathing, sleeping, and editing my movie during the evenings and late into the night while trying to maintain a full time day job. While I was immersed in the project, I was getting very little sleep (usually less than four hours) was living on a steady diet of a six pack (or more) of Coca-Cola and/or Mountain Dew a day – that I would start drinking the minute I started work the following morning and continue drinking until I would go to sleep that night. I also had a falling out with my best friend in the whole world that was directly related to the making of the movie. I took that falling out very personally – so much so that I was going to prove to the world and him that I was going to be a success with or without anyone’s help. If I had to do it all myself with sock puppets, I would. So, really, it was no surprise that the next thing I knew I was out of work for nearly two months and cradling myself to sleep on the couch. Admitting to myself that I needed to make lifestyle a change was probably the hardest decision that I had to make in my life. Admitting that I was driven by spite and competing with an enigma was even harder. Don’t harbor ill will or it will come back to haunt you.

The Road to Recovery

The road to recovery was long and hard. It was also confusing. I was certain that God had called me to be a filmmaker. And now I could barely focus on getting up in the morning, much less filmmaking. I wondered why this was happening. Why was I waking up in the middle of the night screaming like a little girl? Why did God allow this to happen? The mental strain I was placing upon myself had reached its apex. I felt like I was being attacked by things that “went bump in the night.” The things that were tormenting me, though not real in the physical sense, were very real to me. I felt scared by things I could not see. I simply wished that it would all just go away. But that’s just not how it works. On the road to recovering, I needed to make drastic changes. I needed to be humble enough to take my medication. I needed to give up all the things I could not control. I also needed to give up all those things I thought I could control. I needed to eat properly, sleep properly and treat my physical health with as much importance as my goals to achieve. And I needed to forgive and be forgiven. Because of my pride, my desire to be the best, my need to prove to the world that I was a force to be reckoned with, I had lost everything that I considered important. What I was left with was a shell of a person that was barely able to make it out of bed in the mornings just to get through my days. But despite what I was feeling, I did get through my days, so know there is always hope.

Why Tom Cruise is Wrong [3]

The irony is that one of the characters in my first movie said, “We live in a world that creates imaginary diseases. That in turn creates a need for an industry to create drugs to treat these diseases. But I would say that if you were to analyze it that the root of all of your problems could probably be solved by something as lame as diet and exercise.” I think without medication, I would still be cradling myself and screaming in abject terror at the things that were not really there. It’s funny how the brain works. I would advise anyone that is suffering from mental health issues to go beyond the medication in order to figure out what is at the root of your problems. I still feel that drugs such as Prozac, Zoloft and Effexor [4] can help, but they aren’t enough by themselves. You must figure out how to balance your life. I was lucky because taking the medication for me was only a temporary measure that needed to be taken. However, I must say that my need to only be on medications for a short time is not a recommendation for everyone. It was simply enough to help get me back on track. But giving up the meds isn’t for everyone no matter what someone like Tom Cruise might say.

Writing is Therapy

My darkest time was also the beginning of my best work as a writer. I’m not saying that everyone should write as therapy because not everyone has the ability to express themselves well through the written word in order to help them figure things out. For some, they need more counseling. Others might need to go to the gym and work out their frustrations through sport. I’m not sure which is right. It might be all of the above. For me, writing was therapy. It was also what pointed me towards getting my life in order because I was able, in solitary, to delve into all the things that were really important in life. And surprisingly, they weren’t the things that I thought were important. For a time, I had to give up everything to discover that there really isn’t much more to life than God and your family. In retrospect, after giving it all up, God showed me how he would and has given it all back. Piece by piece . . . better than when it was taken away. I was once a failed filmmaker. But in that failure (and during a time when I could do very little else physically) I was able to study why I failed. Out of that failure I created a story about friendship and all the things I missed about my friendship with my best friend. It was probably the single piece that helped me swallow my pride and pave the way towards our reconciliation. It was that one thing that was able to help me to stop competing or trying to prove myself and simply exist in a world that is what it is. It was probably the single piece that helped me to come to a point where I could finally just drop everything and forgive.

Forgiveness (And the Bumper Stickers of My Mind)

I think there’s an inherent need within all of us to forgive and seek forgiveness that if not exercised on a regular basis might drive us to breakdown. I think it’s the way we’re designed. It’s most definitely the crux of Christianity and at the fundamental base of its faith. We must be forgiven, BUT we must also practice forgiving. Having all of these issues to resolve, I think forgiveness must start with the core – with you. In my competitiveness, I only recently discovered that part of the reason for my breakdowns was hatred of myself. I needed to forgive myself for being a writer and not a lawyer or a doctor or whatever other measure I wasn’t living up to in the eyes of my parents. If there was a bumper sticker in my mind that was stuck on their car it might read, “My Son Went to School for Six Years and Isn’t a Doctor.” I am, and always will be, a writer (who happens to make films). I make no apologies for being different. And I forgive myself for not fitting into any other mold – no matter how many bragging rights my parents lose with their friends. We can only be who we were created to be.

Forgiveness Part Deux

It was strange. When my friend and I finally got together after two years of not speaking, we had the best talk we ever had. Maybe the best talk we ever will because there was a need (at least on my part) for some catharsis. We needed this. I needed this. Not only did I eventually reconcile with my best friend, but we also went on to collaborate on my latest movie. Today, that friend and I actually talk more than we ever did before we had our falling out. It took years of strife and some tears to have our first real conversation. We probably both had our share of growing up to do. While we both agreed that the separation was stupid, it was necessary in order to be placed back as friends in a stronger and more mature relationship. Without forgiveness there can be no release. Without release there is almost no easy way for us to begin healing. We can only do what we were created to do: forgive.

Thank You for Your Support

The hardest thing to understand when you’re suffering from life’s trials and tribulations is that you probably already have a built in support group. Your family will be your single greatest group of supporters. But there will be times when you need more. You will also need to get hooked up with a body of people that can listen to your problems on a level that you can identify with. I think that’s why therapy groups exist. I think the importance of someone who can identify with your situation goes a long way towards helping you understand yourself. Whether you seek traditional support group support or individual support depends upon the person. I found just talking things out with others on a one on one basis helped me realize that I wasn’t the only one suffering through these problems. I learned that, in most cases, finding someone to talk to that has had similar experiences is a great way to arm yourself with tools that will help you cope with your future stress. And, no, it’s not magic, but it is invaluable just the same. Good support goes a long way.

Today

Today, I can honestly say that I have not had the need to be on any psychotropic medication for a little over a year and I’m still going strong. But there was a time when I needed drugs to help me get up in the morning. I needed drugs to help me to focus and remind me what was really important in life – it certainly wasn’t all of the things I was pursuing or trying to prove to the world. So Tom Cruise and scientology be damned . . . I am whole (in part) despite their claims to the contrary about modern psychiatric medicine. I can truly say that meds help save my mind.

Epilogue

Today, I am a filmmaker. But there was a time that I had to give it up. Today, I am a writer. But there was a time that I could not form solid and coherent thoughts. Today, I am whole. But there was a time I was broken. There was a time I nearly lost everything that I considered dear to me. I had to give it all up. But I had to give it all up in order to get it all back again. I think sometimes things are taken away from us to help make us better people, like Job. I can only hope that I passed my test going through my period of mental illness because that was my lot. It’s my hope that I can adapt, learn and hopefully grow from my experiences. I believe that mental health issues are no joke and I know that those that suffer from it, whether long or short term, are still people that are full of hope and begging to contribute to society in a meaningful way and, God willing, teach others from our experience.

by Paul Stamat

References
[1] http://www.anxieties.com/gad.php
[2] http://my.webmd.com/content/article/60/67142.htm
[3] http://edition.cnn.com/2005/SHOWBIZ/Movies/06/27/cruise.psychiatrists.reut/index.html
[4] http://www.panic-anxiety.com/anxiety-medication.htm