The Effects of Divorce on a Husband

The caller ID disagreed with what she said.

Unless, of course, the apartment she was staying at while working in New York had suddenly become registered to a male bartender in SoHo. Our slow descent into separate realms took an undeniable leap off of the precipice of reality. The reality was that, without the Lord’s intervention, two toxic substances are not likely to produce a happy/functional June and Ward Cleaver result but rather Charles Manson and Sybil.

She returned a very different person than the wife and mom that we, our 18-month-old daughter and I, had bid goodbye. Our physical relationship immediately and completely vanished; I was constantly reminded of how unattractive I’d become to her. We began marital counseling in September and one year later she’d had yet another “slip-up” while in LA, eventually coming home and entering into a dating relationship with another someone else. I’d stay home with our daughter while she was “out with friends.” We had previously separated four or five times before; generally the timeline being synonymous with her friends being in town and she’d simply stay at her mom’s.

She asked for a seperation…again. This time, however, her request for a separation was very different. This time, I’d had it. She requested that we separate in our counselor’s home office. My counselor and his wife, her counselor, were also present. I remember standing up in the middle of someone’s explanation, seeing my counselor’s golf clubs, and hearing a voice say, “Take a club out and kill every last one of ‘em.” I think they all saw by the expression on my face that “Ezra has left the building.”

I left and went to a very empty home where, only 40 minutes before, my in-laws had been staying while their air conditioner was out – my father-in-law had refused to pay for the repairs. They’d been called and warned and they chose to exit before I arrived.

The voice came again and said,” Take all of her clothing, put it in trash bags. Burn it all in the front yard.”

Crying uncontrollably, I walked around the house screaming incoherently at nothing and no one. I cursed every photograph, every memory, every attempt I’d committed to the lie that had consumed me and brought me to nothing more than this moment filled with complete and utter emptiness. I had reached a point of realization that marriage “isn’t supposed to be this difficult,” and I was essentially dragging an unwilling partner toward a finish line she wasn’t interested in crossing with me.

In that setting, with no one around, the voice spoke again and simply said, “Kill yourself.” In all honesty, for the briefest of moments, I looked through the kitchen doorway at the knife handles sticking out of the woodblock. Then I stopped and prayed.

I prayed like a man who had reached his end, who had been supporting himself on a foundation of lies and sin. I simply pleaded with the Father of the Fatherless to help His hurting and desperate son keep control of the only thing I could still claim as my own – my mind. After several painful months of listening to her gush on the phone about how ecstatic and deeply committed she was to pursuing a relationship with her new boyfriend, after it was undeniably apparent that there was no hint of anything to reconcile, I prayed again and then filed for divorce.

I began to reconcile that I was, and always would be, little more than “used goods” – a secondhand figure that could never bring to any relationship the newness and willingness to trust it would rightly deserve. I began praying fervently for God to help me accept a life alone, but that in serving Him I would be content.

I understood Van Til clearly (1):

“One who holds to an original metaphysical independence of man cannot afterward think of any complete ethical alienation between God and man. Daily experience can teach us this lesson. Only where an original close relation exists is it possible for strong ethical alienation to appear. A divorce is the bitterest alienation among human beings. At least it was. And only because marriages are no longer ‘made in heaven’ is it that divorce has lost its bitter sting. ”

Though unseen, I had a very painful and bitter sting that nothing visible was even temporarily capable of offering relief.

The divorce had lifted the emotional barnacle of my in-laws’ emotional/financial/relational “stuff” which had always been attached to our marriage. Yet, it also gave me a glimpse of just what degree of depravity humans will descend to when the gloves are off. When my in-laws were told that my ex had no interest in fighting or making claims toward any of the property or items that belonged to me, they produced a list of items they wanted and encouraged her to fight on their behalf. Frequently, when people truly believe that there is nothing more to lose, human character peels back a layer of pleasantry and the festering evil that was dormant and constrained quickly spills out. But even this thoughtless request didn’t succinctly explain why I was so uncontrollably mad. Then, while in prayer, I began reflecting on the significance of vows made to the Lord:

“When you make a vow to the LORD your God, you shall not delay to pay it, for it would be sin in you, and the LORD your God will surely require it of you.” (Deuteronomy 23:21)

“You shall be careful to perform what goes out from your lips, just as you have voluntarily vowed to the LORD your God, what you have promised.” (Deuteronomy 23:23)

“Offer to God a sacrifice of thanksgiving and pay your vows to the Most High.” (Psalm 50:14)

“Your vows are binding upon me, O God.” (Psalm 56:12a)

“So I will sing praise to Your name forever, that I may pay my vows day by day.” (Psalm 61:8)

“I shall come into Your house with burnt offerings; I shall pay You my vow.” (Psalm 66:13)

“Make vows to the LORD your God and fulfill them; Let all who are around Him bring gifts to Him who is to be feared.” (Psalm 76:11)

“I shall pay my vows to the LORD, Oh may it be in the presence of all His people.” (Psalm 116:14,18)

“It is a trap for a man to say rashly, “It is holy!” And after the vows to make inquiry.” (Proverb 20:25)

“When you make a vow to God, do not be late in paying it; for He takes no delight in fools. Pay what you vow! It is better that you should not vow than that you should vow and not pay.” (Ecclesiastes 5:4-5)

“Again, you have heard that the ancients were told, ‘YOU SHALL NOT MAKE FALSE VOWS, BUT SHALL FULFILL YOUR VOWS TO THE LORD.'” (Matthew 5:33)
I was screwed.

I’d refused to accept what my pastor had told me after only two weeks of premarital counseling: “God DOES NOT want this to happen and is in no part of this relationship!” To date, it is the only time I’ve ever seen Eric lose it. At the time, I despised God and purposed that, if in fact He didn’t want this, then I would make sure it happened. Fueled by rebellion and hatred, I didn’t count the costs (Luke 14:28). Now, I was simply furious that I’d wasted my one chance at having a lifelong companion on someone who had donated a counterfeit investment. I’d lost everything; I was left to sulk in the rotting fruit of my actions.

Time continued and, although my nightmares starring “her and him” made it virtually impossible to hold down solid food, I was almost able to exhale. I read Scripture constantly, and began to resist carrying the emotional burdens that crushed me (Psalm 38:4, 55:22, 68:19, & Matthew 11:30).

One morning, while in prayer, the Lord simply said,” Call Mihstiegh.”

I thought, “WHAT?!?!” Mihstiegh is the last human on earth that needed to hear from me.

I reasoned that because I’d abandoned her while she was pregnant with our child 8 years before, not to mention that we’d had numerous court battles, needed to be physically restrained from attacking one another, and had come to a place of being complete and total enemies, there was absolutely no justifiable reason to call her. Yeah, there was no reason to interject myself into her world again. She was doing fine. We saw each other briefly when my daughter visited me; “No,” I thought, “I can’t imagine Mihstiegh wanting to hear from me.”

“Call Mihstiegh.”

I thought, “Lord, I’m a divorced man, and I can offer nothing to her that she needs.” Remarkably, in the eight years since I left her, she’d never married. And she’s gorgeous! And virtuous! And righteous! And loves the Lord without measure! “No,” I thought, “she is way beyond my league.”

“Call Mihstiegh,” He said.
“And?” I asked.
“And ask if she’d consider you taking care of her and your daughter full-time,” He replied.

I was shocked that God would set me up for such miserable failure and embarrassment. This seemed the equivalent of “Take now your son, your only son, whom you love, Isaac, and go to the land of Moriah, and offer him there as a burnt offering on one of the mountains of which I will tell you” (Genesis 22:2). But I knew that, until this call was made, the Lord and I had little else to discuss.

I picked up the phone and stared at it. I slowly dialed all but the last digit. I was holding my breath when the off-the-hook sound blasted in my hand. I hung up and prayed.

“Are You sure?”
“Call Mihstiegh.”

I called and prayed for an answering machine.

She picked up.

I suddenly lost the ability to communicate. Where was the moisture that was just in my throat and on my tongue?!?! I imagined I had interrupted her concluding a 40-day fast or something. Turns out she had just gotten back from rollerblading in the park. We talked for a while before the Holy Spirit grabbed my tongue and blurted out,” Would you consider my taking care of you and our daughter full-time?”

Then, the most awkward silence EVER KNOWN IN THE HISTORY OF MANKIND manifested.

I was waiting for the stress and anticipation to cause my head to snap at the point where it joined my neck, fly across the room, and then stare at the headless torso holding the phone in the air with a look that could only be interpreted as “IDIOT!!!!!” Or perhaps, at that very moment, there was static on the end that I couldn’t hear, and she completely missed what I’d asked.

“Did you hear me?”

“Yes, I heard you.”

Okay, any moment now, that engine that just came lose from the 747 flying overhead will plummet 40,000 feet and crush me into something resembling a charcoal bricket. I mean, if I can choose between the agony I am feeling right now, or being crushed instantaneously beyond recognition, then right now, the latter would be merciful and I’ll be standing in the front yard holding neodymium rare earth magnets to help this entire process along. Please Lord…NOW, please?

She said she was shocked and needed to pray.

I know that the Sun stood still for Joshua, and I was almost certain that each of the next several days were at least 72 hours long. She called back and said that I’d need to do everything possible to convince her that I was not the person she knew years ago.

Then I said the very thing that every man vows, under penalty of death, to never say to a woman until all the stakes are fully and completely known: “Whatever it takes, I’ll do it.”

She produced a looooooonnnng list of names, every one of them an individual who was there for her while I was not. Some of them I recognized as people who HATED me. Immediately, I thought, “I don’t have to call any of these people. The Lord’s forgiven me, so they can just get over it.” But, of course, right then, the Lord said,” Call them all and humble yourself.” I was starting to really dislike the phone.

I began making calls the next day along with multiple pastoral counseling appointments with six different pastors from six different denominations. I needed wise counsel to make sure that I had correctly interpreted Matthew 5:31-32, “It was said, ‘Whoever sends his wife away, let him give her a certificate of divorce,‘ but I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except for the reason of unchastity, makes her commit adultery; and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.” Perhaps this was not an option because of my previous marriage’s failure. Any relationship on this planet that I’d pursue, would be easier than this one; so much baggage.

But, Mihstiegh is who I’ve always wanted.

Pastor Eric had told us many years earlier that, as a couple, we were perfect for one another “because we were both so weird.” Over the years, during my campaign of hatred toward her, that statement haunted me like a proverbial albatross hanging from my neck. But even then, even in the most distant moment of my season of rebellion toward the Lord, I was always aware of the righteous caliber of woman she was and knew that she was suited for someone better than a foul-mouthed, drug-addicted, backslidden child parading around in the guise of an adult. I was furious at the distance I’d created between us because of what I’d become; it had nothing to do with her.

Miraculously, the chaos and continuous emotional uncertainty of the first marriage had driven me to a place of repentance and recommitment, but were my hopes for Mihstiegh and I even an option?

All six pastors, including Eric who’d thrown me out of his office three years earlier, said, “Yes.” Then, Mihstiegh told me.

When I left, the Lord told her to be patient and that He would bring me back to her as a man of God. For six years, she waited: not going on a single date, raising our daughter while she worked at a ministry and, all the while, watching and praying as I succumbed to narcotics, was constantly surrounded by other women, hated her and Christians to such a degree that I volunteered as an abortion clinic escort in order to legally assault them, was placed in a mental hospital, and eventually got another woman pregnant and MARRIED HER!!

Yet, through all of it, Mihstiegh was faithful to what the Lord said.

And, for me, by what the Lord allowed, I became disciplined, humiliated, distraught, broken, deserted, humbled, and fully reaped every emotional and physical hardship I’d sown with Mihstiegh years earlier. By this, the Lord taught me to recognize the true and endless beauty of His virtuous, righteous, and faithful daughter.

Pastor Eric led us in our wedding vows on December 27th, 1998. He cried while trying to explain to the large audience at hand, “we are witnessing a miracle by the uniting of these two.” Every relative and close friend there absolutely knew. Most were completely shocked and, although they tried, they could give no explanation for what had just taken place.

The effects of divorce on a husband? To a degree, it’s a sort of death without the public acknowledgment of a funeral or eulogy. Just a courtroom announcement giving no lavish detail to the greatness of either party, just one of those items that the Lord has declared He hates. Yes, God hates divorce…and rightfully so.

Yet, even from the hollow remnant of this emotional and relational death, the Lord can bring a resurrection and a perspective of appreciation that did not previously exist. The bitterness and anger are long gone now. I find myself praying that the Lord would extend mercy toward her and her marriage and that she be spared from reaping what she has sown.

As I close, I remember patient Hosea searching for Gomer, waiting for what must have seemed like a lifetime for a whore’s heart to repent. I can’t help but remember the grace shown to me when I was the whore.

by Ezra Boggs

References
1. Van Til, C., & Sigward, E. H. (1997). The works of Cornelius Van Til, 1895-1987 (electronic ed.). New York: Labels Army Co.