The Queen of Your Castle
9 min readIn the 1980s, women of America went to work. The freedom of the ‘60s became the empowerment of the ‘70s which led to the independence of the ‘80s. Women wanted to be equal partners in all things and began entering the work force in droves. Feminism was flourishing and not only was possessing the job title of “Homemaker” no longer expected of a woman, it was downright unpopular. The idea of living every day to serve your family was suddenly a mark of weakness.
In this new millennium, it is a far greater challenge to choose the role of Homemaker. Today’s housewives were raised on the same hard-edged feminist ideals as today’s female doctors, lawyers, and teachers. Those ideals are almost impossible to apply to a job that requires 24 hour a day sacrifice of one’s self. Stay-At-Home-Moms (SAHMs) usually do more than is seen on the surface. The fruits of her labor are either unnoticed, seemingly inconsequential, or far from being ripe enough to enjoy (that is, the fruits often come many years later in the form of seeing her grown children become responsible members of society). There are days when the SAHM wonders, “Why do I do this?” And there are days when she couldn’t imagine doing anything else.
It is difficult enough for her when she feels like her role in this world is inadequate because society glorifies the female executive with the corner office and the disposable income. However, it is far worse to feel inadequate next to those in your own household. Children are children and will always, to some degree, take their parents for granted. Parents come to expect and accept it. But when a husband takes his homemaking wife for granted, it is often seen as hurtful and disrespectful to a woman. As both a husband and a father, a man can do a great deal to lift his wife up and make her job as a SAHM a much easier one.
For you husbands who have wives that spend their days making your home run smoothly, I offer you these ten tips:
Do not undo the work that she has done.
When you come home, don’t leave a path of destruction from room to room. Don’t get the children riled up when they are (finally!) settled down to do their homework. Unbeknownst to you, your wife often goes to great lengths to keep the home in as nice of condition as possible so it feels peaceful and not overwhelming when you come home.
Notice the work that has been done.
Just because you rarely see a pile of dishes, just because you always have clean clothes in the closet, doesn’t mean that it was easy to get it that way. Don’t take it for granted. Thank your wife for doing the work that you never really notice is done but surely would notice if it wasn’t – like your children getting three square meals a day or the countless spills that needed to be wiped up.
Be a co-parent.
It takes two to make a baby and it takes two to raise one. Whatever you do for full-time work, that is your job. Your wife is a SAHM so her full-time work is running a balanced household. That is her job. But you both have the job of parenting. While you’re off doing your nine-to-fiver, she’s home watching your babies so you can do your work, uninterrupted. When you come home, take some time to watch those babies yourself so she can have some time to do her work, uninterrupted. What you don’t realize is that it is a serious challenge to mop a floor when your toddler wants to help. It is next to impossible to run a loud vacuum when you have an infant who naps four times a day. Moms do what they can when they can. But sometimes it takes all the time and energy one has just to keep the place from turning into ground zero. The majority of a SAHM’s time isn’t spent cleaning. It’s spent giving the children attention. It’s spent reading the same book five times and answering to the continuous call, “Look at me Mommy!” Those activities may seem like a waste of time to some, especially when one considers all of the other items on a SAHMs to-do list. But it is time well-spent when you realize that those seemingly small tasks are what shaped your child into that secure five-year old, heading off to Kindergarten fully equipped with the knowledge to read. It’s important for you to realize that, although your wife adores spending time with her children, she gets unlimited quality time with them every day. You aren’t getting that same quality time and, by the time you get home, you’re probably not that far off from their bedtime. Your opportunities for quality time are limited. If you just watch the kids for an hour or two, she could accomplish so much more. Let her cook dinner and fold the laundry without the kids underfoot. It will be a much more peaceful atmosphere for her and you’ll get some quality time with your kids.
Relieve her of her duties.
Realize that she never gets to clock out. She is always “in the office.” She doesn’t get a lunch hour. She doesn’t get coffee breaks. She doesn’t get holidays off and she certainly doesn’t get paid overtime. Recent studies have shown that the work of a SAHM is the equivalent of holding two full-time jobs. If ever there is a moment of peace when a child is not climbing up and down her leg, she’s probably relishing that moment by quickly unloading the dishwasher. I think just about every SAHM will agree with me when I say you would be an absolute hero if you willingly did some of her jobs for her once in awhile. If ever you were to break out a dust cloth and go to town on that living room furniture, you’d be a God-send. If you saw a job that needed to be done and you simply did it for her, unasked, it would be such a gift.
Give her some “me time.”
Everyone needs and deserves to have time that they can call their own. SAHMs are no different. She spends every day of the week putting the needs of her husband and children first. It is too easy for a woman to lose herself in the daily grind. Give her the opportunity to do what she needs to feel whole. She may want to go out with her girlfriends; she may want to just lock herself in the bedroom and read a book in peace and quiet; she may want some free time to pursue a hobby that she is passionate about. If you give her time to do those things, it will help her keep her sense of self. It is her sense of self that gives her spark and keeps her fire lit. You will find that a few hours of wonderful, self-indulging, guilt-free “me time” will renew your wife to continue with that same selfless spirit that inspired her to be a SAHM in the first place. It will be the difference between her loving her job and resenting her job.
Break up the monotony of the day.
There are days when she may be lost in a fog that arose from too many episodes of Teletubbies and an afternoon sitting on the bathroom floor while a toddler practices potty time. Children thrive on routine and that means that a SAHM’s life must take on a routine: the same television shows, the same meals, the same games, the same schedule. The days can run long and she is often counting down the hours to something “big,” like naptime or the moment you return home. For starters, try your best to be on time as often as you can because, trust me, she is looking forward to your arrival. And sometimes it would be nice for you to make a normal day special. Call in the middle of the day to tell her you love her. Bring her flowers when you come home (yes, we still like such a traditionally cheesy gesture). Send her an e-mail and tell her not to make dinner that night because you’re taking the whole family out for pizza. While routine is important to keeping order in a household, it is changes of pace that make for special memories.
You’re tired, she’s tired – let’s all stop complaining.
Don’t get into the passive-aggressive battle of proving who is the most tired. Many couples will, right off the bat, begin to share how exhausted they are – trying to outdo the other to prove who is the most tired. Maybe it’s to achieve sympathy, maybe it’s to have license to be moody, maybe it’s to have a free pass out of doing the dinner dishes. Whatever the “prize” is that you’re both competing for, let it go. Realize that you both did your best that day and you both will be tired from it. And then do what you can to help the other out because you need each other. Your marriage is a partnership and one will not work without the other. Praise each other for the effort you both put forward that day and then continue to serve each other until the day is through.
Realize that she gets a strong sense of accomplishment from small things.
It may be boring, but let her rattle off the list of what she has completed for the day. It’s how she spends her time and there is a real sense of pride knowing that her entire day was spent preparing a loving home environment for the people she cares for most in the world. Share in her joy and praise her for her efforts. After all, she only wants to create a soft place for you to fall at the end of the day.
Enjoy the stories about your children.
You aren’t able to share in so many of the wonderful things your wife sees in your children. You missed the cute things your little ones said and the big things they accomplished. It is the highlight of your wife’s day. The only person in the world who loves those kids as much as she does is you and, therefore, you are the one person she is dying to share these stories with. Sure, it’s not as great to hear it second-hand rather than directly from your little one’s mouth. Sure, your wife’s feeble attempt at impersonating your two-year old is not nearly as cute as the real thing. But your wife chose to spend her days teaching, mentoring and nurturing the children that you share. She is investing her heart and soul into your children. Let her share with you how that investment is paying off.
Encourage her to be “more than a mom”.
Being around children all day, it’s easy to forget how to function in a grown up world. She might be too busy making PB&J sandwiches, driving kids to preschool, and scraping play-doh out of the couch to be able to find time to read up on current events. Start conversations with her that bring out her intellect. Share with her what you’ve read in the paper. Ask her opinion about things that spark interesting discussion. Read a book together that you can discuss once the kids have gone to bed (or better yet – get a babysitter, take your wife to dinner and discuss the book together without the interruption of having to cut up your three-year old’s meat). Don’t degrade her to someone that knows only about cooking and cleaning. She is the same vibrant and intelligent woman you fell in love with and she is still very capable of insightful conversation.
In the end, a Homemaker just wants to do the best she can for her family without losing herself along the way. She truly loves to serve; otherwise, she wouldn’t have chosen this job in the first place. She just wants to be appreciated for who she is and what she does. She wants to know that she is valued. Contrary to what many may think, being a Homemaker is not a job for the weak woman. It is a job for an especially strong woman and she deserves respect for that. If you are the king of your castle, then truly your wife is the queen. Don’t forget to treat her like one.
