The Weekly Six – 4/16/10
2 min readA quick hit on this week’s hottest topics: The Weekly Six. If you missed out on what’s been going on this week, tune in to read about the hottest topics on the net – or at least the hottest topics to us. This is your chance to feel free to agree or disagree. And without further ado, in no particular order, behold the six!
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It Only Hurts For The First Minute
Yesterday was, once again, April 15th – the day we celebrate the death of Abraham Lincoln by giving way too much of our money back to the government. I like to think that they’re using that money to reanimate Lincoln and turn him into an all-powerful killing machine. It would only be a matter of time, however, before Zombie Lincoln turned on his creators and eviscerated the lot of them, ushering in a time of peace, freedom, and kick ass stovepipe hats.
Remember kids, the only good I.R.S. was the record label from the early 80s. Good God, I miss The Alarm…
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The Anti-Tiger Is Now Your Master
Nice guy and future saint Phil Mickelson won the Master’s tournament this past week besting a sex starved Tiger Woods by five strokes. Mickelson’s wood was strong like bull and his ability to finesse it into the hole was… HEY, TIGER! STOP THAT! HE’S JUST A DEFENSELESS GOPHER!
Geez, you can’t even use simple golf terminology anymore. We’ll send a mixtape to rehab, TW…
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Unholy Communion
It came out this week that John Tesh and Oprah used to be lovers.
It really shouldn’t be too hard to write your own punchline here. Personally, it scares the hell out of me. Just imagine if they had spawned…
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Fire & Ice
A volcano under the Eyjafjallajokull glacier in Iceland erupted this week, sending plumes of smoke miles into the sky and dripping hot magma all over the frozen tundra. This not only disrupted flights in the region and forced an evacuation of a good portion of the country (17 people), it also created a legion of new Icelandic heavy metal bands all with names tied to volcanic imagery.
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Next Time, Take Separate Planes
A delegation from Poland flying to Russia crashed this last Saturday killing Polish President Lech Kaczynski, his wife, and most of the top leaders in the Polish government.
The country is now being run by a shepherd who wandered into the Presidential Palace looking for a bathroom.
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Love You To Death
Peter Steel, front man for the doom & gloom gothic metal band Type O Negative was found dead Wednesday of apparent heart failure. He was 48. The band is probably best known for their 1993 release Bloody Kisses and it’s hit singles “Christian Woman” and “Black No. 1.”
17 years later, his words still stick with me: “Never mistake lack of talent for genius.” His unmistakable voice and self-deprecating wit will be missed.
We leave you with this:
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