The Weekly Six – 6/3/10

A quick hit on this week’s hottest topics: The Weekly Six. If you missed out on what’s been going on this week, tune in to read about the hottest topics on the net – or at least the hottest topics to us. This is your chance to feel free to agree or disagree. And without further ado, in no particular order, behold the six!

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Taking Care of Business and Working Overtime

The Reaper has been on a tear recently, taking out Gary Coleman, Dennis Hopper, and Rue McClanahan in just the past week. Celebrities everywhere are panicking and doing whatever it takes to slip away from the hooded one’s icy embrace. Word on the street is that someone will be sacrificed soon and Megan Fox’s name has been bandied about. Quoting an unknown source, “She ain’t no virgin but those freakish toe thumbs are enough to give even Death the willies!”

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BP: Bold Pricks (need) Butt Plugs (or it’s) Bye Planet

The Brits are still shooting Black Goo into the Gulf of Mexico (obviously some kind of jacked up revenge for the Boston Tea Party)and have yet to figure out an appropriate response to the disaster. The Simpsons-inspired Dome trick didn’t work out nor did the age-old remedy of putting dirt on it. Next up: Duct tape!

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Stolen Perfection

Armando Galarraga of the Detroit Tigers had his perfect game murdered with two outs in the ninth inning on a blown call from first base umpire Jim Joyce. Joyce cried and admitted he made a mistake. Galarraga forgave him and basically said, “No big deal – you’re human.” The two shook hands the next day. Seriously, that’s what happened. We can’t believe it either. See Barry Bonds, this is why people hate you.

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Kobe Dominates. Colorado Just Glad He’s Not Staying In Their Hotels.

The Lakers took the first game of the NBA Finals last night with a 102-89 win over the Boston Celtics, making the East Coast team just look silly. The Celtics originally claimed that they were violated against their will but Kobe bought them all purple diamond rings and they got over it. The game started late due to a high pitched, annoying sound that couldn’t initially be identified until a janitor found Lebron James and Dwight Howard crying like little bitches in a broom closet.

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This Time It’s For Real

Lindsay Lohan has passed two random drug and alcohol tests and her parents claim that she’s back on the “straight and narrow.” The actress notsurewhyshe’sfamous 23 year old is wearing an alcohol monitoring SCRAM braclet on her ankle as a condition of her probation. The bracelet determines if there’s any alcohol in the wearer’s body by testing secretions of the skin. The bracelet has since tested positive for chlamydia and herpes.

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Bait & Switch